Harvard Psychiatrists Identify 5 Behaviors Happy Couples Avoid for Lasting Relationships

Harvard Medical School psychiatrists Dr. Jacqueline Olds and Dr. Richard Schwartz, with nearly 50 years of marriage and over 40 years of clinical experience, identify five behaviors the happiest couples avoid: delaying apologies, undermining each other in public, treating strangers better than their partner, withholding compliments, and waiting for the other to make the first move. Their insights emphasize intentional communication, everyday kindness, and accountability as keys to successful relationships, aligning with research on relationship dynamics and the importance of empathy and active listening.

1. They Don’t Delay Apologies

One of the most common pitfalls in relationships is the tendency to delay or avoid apologizing after a disagreement. According to Drs. Olds and Schwartz, the happiest couples understand that the longer hurt feelings linger, the harder it becomes to reconnect. “It’s tempting to pout,” they admit, “but the important thing is to apologize before those hurt feelings calcify.”

Importantly, they caution against faux-apologies that deflect responsibility, such as “I’m sorry you feel that way.” These statements may sound conciliatory but often serve to invalidate the other person’s emotions. Instead, effective apologies involve genuine accountability—acknowledging one’s actions and their impact. This approach not only diffuses tension but also fosters trust and emotional safety.

2. They Don’t Undermine Each Other in Public

Even in seemingly trivial moments—like correcting a partner’s story at a dinner party—happy couples resist the urge to be “right” at the expense of their partner’s dignity. “We’ve found that it doesn’t matter if their story isn’t entirely accurate,” the therapists explain. “In the grand scheme of things, not undermining them is more important.”

This restraint reflects a deeper respect for the relationship. Public corrections, even when well-intentioned, can feel like betrayals. They subtly erode a partner’s sense of being supported and valued. Instead, the happiest couples prioritize unity and mutual respect, choosing to address minor inaccuracies privately, if at all.

3. They Don’t Treat Strangers Better Than Their Partner

A recurring complaint in therapy sessions, the therapists note, is: “You treat everyone else better than you treat me.” This dynamic often stems from a misguided belief that authenticity means dropping all filters at home. But Drs. Olds and Schwartz argue that this rationale is flawed. “Relinquishing an effort to be kind and loving to your partner under the banner of being your true self doesn’t lead to a more genuine relationship—just a nastier one.”

In other words, kindness should not be reserved for colleagues and acquaintances. The happiest couples make a conscious effort to extend the same courtesy, patience, and warmth to their partner that they offer to others. This doesn’t mean being inauthentic—it means choosing to be your best self with the person who matters most.

4. They Don’t Keep Compliments to Themselves

Over time, couples may fall into the trap of assuming their partner already knows how they feel. But unspoken appreciation can lead to emotional distance. “There have been so many times when we think something the other does is absolutely wonderful, but because we’ve been together so long, it goes unsaid,” the therapists share.

The happiest couples make it a habit to verbalize their admiration and gratitude. Specific, sincere compliments—whether about a partner’s thoughtfulness, resilience, or sense of humor—reinforce emotional intimacy. These affirmations serve as daily reminders of love and respect, helping couples stay connected even during challenging times.

5. They Don’t Wait for the Other Person to Make the First Move

Perhaps the most damaging behavior the happiest couples avoid is emotional standoff—waiting for the other person to initiate reconciliation after a conflict. Drs. Olds and Schwartz describe this as “a game of emotional chicken,” where both partners withhold affection or kindness until the other relents.

This approach often backfires, creating a stalemate that deepens resentment. Instead, the happiest couples take proactive steps to rebuild connection. “Try something simple like cooking them their favorite meal,” they suggest. “Remind yourself how much they enjoy it and really revel in taking the time to craft it for them.”

By taking the initiative, even in small ways, couples create a nurturing environment where love can re-emerge. This mindset shifts the focus from winning an argument to preserving the relationship.

The Science Behind Closeness and Communication

These insights align with broader psychological research on relationship dynamics. Studies have shown that reciprocal self-disclosure—sharing personal thoughts and feelings in a balanced way—promotes closeness and mutual liking. The well-known “36 Questions for Increasing Closeness” exercise, developed by psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues, demonstrates how structured, vulnerable conversations can deepen emotional bonds between partners.

Moreover, research in interpersonal neurobiology suggests that a well-integrated mind—one that balances emotional regulation, empathy, and self-awareness—contributes to healthier relationships. Couples who engage in shared activities that foster connection, such as meaningful conversations or collaborative tasks, tend to report higher relationship satisfaction.

Communication Is the Cornerstone

Ultimately, the happiest relationships are not conflict-free. Rather, they are defined by how couples handle conflict—with empathy, humility, and a commitment to repair. As Drs. Olds and Schwartz emphasize, “It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it.” Tone, timing, and intention all matter.

Avoiding toxic phrases, such as dismissive or sarcastic remarks, is crucial. These expressions often escalate tension and shut down dialogue. Instead, healthy communication involves active listening, validation, and a willingness to understand the other person’s perspective—even when you disagree.